Sometimes I find myself thinking about the challenges I face with a child on the autism spectrum, and I think to myself "I won't let this ruin my life!", with a grumpy, self pitying feeling inside, sometimes followed by a 'why me?' tinge deep in my soul. Previous posts will testify that sometimes I feel the need to vent these feelings, and yes, it does help to get it all out.
This week, being school holidays, I have been working from home (to a degree). Childcare costs me $100 a day, due to the fact that I can't just leave my Cherub 'with anybody', it has to be someone that knows him, knows his triggers, and can deal with issues if they arise. The fact that he also has epilepsy means that whoever is looking after him has the known added responsibility of a seizure happening at any given time (even though this is rare, it is always a possibility).
So, if I'm forking out for childcare during the school hols, I might as well not be working quite frankly. The summer holidays are also notoriously hard to find the people that I need to care for my Cherub, because most of them are on holidays themselves.
So, this time around I managed with the good grace and support of my workplace, to utilise technology and work from home. It's been easy to do, as I can connect to the database from home, still access emails, use my phone to call around the network to chase things up etc etc. The ONLY thing that I can't do is be there to answer the phone for the team so that they don't get interrupted.
Day one was interesting, I spent the whole day working from home, got heaps done, felt in control - until a tiny thing went awry, and I fell into a feeling of guilt that I was letting the team down. Undoubtedly, if I had been AT work, this wouldn't have happened. It wasn't a big deal, but it did highlight to me that maybe this working from home thing isn't quite what I thought it would be.
I should note here that for 18 months in a previous role I worked from home (as did my colleagues at the company that I worked for), and I suspect that I thought that it would all pan out as successfully as it did that time. However, what I have come to realise is that when EVERYBODY works from home, we all know 'the rules' - good communication, having a workspace at home that is your little office, acting just like we are all in the same place etc etc. Not a time to do your washing or cook the dinner for example (although it IS easy to do this on your lunch hour when you work from home, I must say).
But when only one person is working from home, and that person (me) has a set idea of how it will work, and it doesn't because we are not all on the exact same page.....well, it leads to a feeling of being a little out of the loop. This isn't a criticism of the other staff members of my team, it's just that we as a team are not used to one person being off site, so it gets a bit tricky. Or at least it feels like it does. As a result, I felt 'guilty' after one day, felt like I was letting the team down, like I wasn't supporting them as I should etc.
So, after day one I decided that I wasn't going to be working from home for the full days, that I would in fact go on site for the mornings, take my Cherub with me, sit him down with drawing materials, his DS, DVDs (there is a great telly at work) and a copious amount of sugar laden treats and do the majority of work from the office, working from home only for the afternoons (which in my job is the 'quieter' time of day when phone calls are not usually for me anyway).
First day of this went fine.
Second day of this went fine.
Third day of this did not go fine.
I was obviously being a bit selfish, trying to be all things to all people so that I didn't feel like I was letting anyone down (including myself, as I would prefer not to pay the $$ for childcare if I can avoid it, being a single mum and all that --note to babysitters if you are reading this: no, I will still be paying you, see reasons above, don't even offer freebies, you do a lot for me and my Cherub and you know that).
In my selfishness, I failed to assess the impact this chopping and changing might have on my Cherub, and yesterday showed me exactly how far I had pushed him. He did very well lasting as long as he did, but then something happened (I'm still not sure exactly what, as he has found it hard to explain completely, but it had something to do with a spider), and he lost the plot.
He ended up screaming and crying and hiding under the table in the staff room to be exact. Two staff members were leaving the room with looks of dismay on their faces as I ran to see what had happened, and there was my Cherub going completely off his nut, bum in the air and the rest of him under the table.
I managed to get him out and talk him (mostly) down, and it was very soon after this that we left for the day. Thankfully, the lovely AG, who has an autistic child, stood right by my side as I tried to bring my Cherub down from the eleveated state that he was in, so I had some support there at a time when I myself was feeling like the world was about to end and I should quit my job and just focus on my Cherub, because I need to put him (not me or my job) first, as I so obviously had not done this week - nothing like seeing your child screaming and hiding under the table to give you that slap in the face to say "You've not thought about him here, you selfish woman".
But then came the self pity. It didn't last too long, but it was there nevertheless.
And then came the defiance. "I WON'T LET THIS RUIN MY LIFE!!" I thought to myself as I sat at home looking at the computer, doing what I could but at the same time trying to deal with the outbursts from my Cherub, who was still coming down from his elevated state for the rest of the afternoon, then going up again, then coming down again, then going up again.....you get the picture.
Then I realised how stupid the "I won't let this ruin my life" thoughts are.
The very structure of that thought indicates that my Cherub is separate to my 'life', that he is some kind of outside influence that can or cannot push my 'life' one way or another.
My Cherub is a part of my life - part of my life is dealing with a kid with autism, whether I like it or not, and putting into place strategies that make our life as easy as possible. How dare I think of him as someone or something that can 'ruin my life'!!!! No no no no no!!!
I embrace him for the wonderful gift that he is.
Yes it's hard, yes it's difficult, but suck it up Lovey, just suck it up.
I have sourced a babysitter for a couple of days during the next week that I have my Cherub (I am sharing weeks with his father - who doesn't actually HAVE a job by the way - did I just say that out loud??), it's the best I could do, but it will take a bit of pressure off. (It will be very hard to take him back to the office now, he will hold on to that anxiety that he felt yesterday and is likely to elevate again - this I have learned from experience). On those days I will go into the office and work from there, and won't be letting anyone down.
On the other days I have decided that I will not try to be all things to everyone, I will simply do my best and work from home. There are only three days now that this will need to happen. I will go to the office to transfer files that I will need to transfer, but we will only be there to do that and nothing else. The rest I can do from home.
I will start putting a little extra money away each pay so that I can afford the babysitters when the time comes for the next school holidays. I will go the boy scout route and I will 'be prepared'.
There is no need for my Cherub's autism to 'ruin my life' - it is a part of my life, and I will work around it.
Talk later
Janeane
x
No comments:
Post a Comment